Introspection

I reckon for me the problem with emotions has not been being unable to sneak up on them, on the contrary, they are the one to run crashing through the forest insisting on their own way.  Whenever I think of the United States Marine Corps reverence wale up within me for all those who served, this reverence flows over to all the people who have served in the other armed branches. I know that others serve in different ways but I have a special regard for these.

No, I have never had problems finding my emotions; my problem has been not allowing them to run away with me, carrying me so deep into the forest that I may not be able to find my way back. Anger can take me into the deepest darkest part of the forest; sometimes I get in so deep and dark that it is very hard to find my way back. Then from that anger many time hate would raise its ugly head and drive my action in the most unreasonable ways.

Sorrow sometimes comes unbidden driving all other thoughts from the woods of my mind until it was sated with sorrow and laid down to rest. This is when I go deepest into the jungle of my mind; back so deep that I become completely encumbered in sadness to the point I no longer wish to see the light of day. Then the awe of being will sweep over me unbidden, leaving me is a state of joy that had no room for any other distraction, as when love overcame me when I first looked into her eyes.  No, I am not bipolar, not a manic depressive, these are just the range of emotions that we all experiences and have to deal with.  For me there has been moments of inner peace, moments of turmoil, but mostly when I lie in doubt, fear, concern, and in dreams laced with periods of unconsciousness, I strive in spite of doubt, and like Paul I pray, “Oh Lord I believe, please help me with my disbelief.”

While happiness comes and goes, mostly life is filled with neither sadness nor happiness; rather it is the mundane that drives our lives.  The prosaic that gives it meaning, the stuff we have to do but rather we didn't have to bother.  Cooking and cleaning, cutting the grass, or washing the car.  It takes an epiphany to understand that these things are the things where we spend most of our lives, and that their importance is as great as the vacation which we so yearn, laying on the beach, swimming in the ocean, hiking in the mountains, floating our boat, or riding our horses.  Joy, if not happiness, can come from the feeling of a job well done, a task completed, one more chore completed.

I have learned to live with my feelings, work and strive within my limitations.  Concerning myself with what I can do, and not dwell too much on what I cannot do.  True, you can do anything you set your mind, but there are two caveats to that.  First you have to start from where ever it is that you are to achieve your desire, and second you have to figure out how to do it.   I wanted to be a renowned author, have written a column for a newspaper, many pome and essays.   But yet I have failing short of the dream, for it is one thing to write and yet another to gain a readership for what you write.

I wanted to be rich, but the best I achieved is to be well off.  I wanted to fall in love with a woman, who loved me, and we would live together the whole of what life we have given to us together, and you see how well that has come about.  Now I content myself with my horses and dogs, and while I still dream of that woman I realize that my chances of finding her grow slimmer and slimmer.  What I thought about this one does not matter, what she thinks is the proof of the pudding.  They do say that if you want true love to get a dog don’t they?

I have a clearing within this forest of my mind now, all the undergrowth has been cleared out, and as long as I stay within the clearing I am at peace.  It is when I venture out into the land of “could have been”, “what if”, or “if only” that the woods start to close in on me.  I have many good decisions, and many, for sure, bad ones.  I cannot go back and change nary a one, so those paths are best left untrod except for some brief sojourns made for some enlightenment now and then.  I have found that if I try and banish a memory that it will just fester and burst out regardless, so I give each a short amount of my attention when they come up, then tell myself that I must think of something else, and then do it.

Introspection, physician heals thy self, that is, attending to your own fault, rather than pointing out the faults of others.”Gnōthi seauton”   Know yourself first and once you do you will not be concerned much about what other’s think they know about you.  Knowing yourself also give you that starting point in achieving that which you would like to do, and then come the harder part, figuring out how to bring it into fruition.  But all bets are off if it includes the heart of another.